Not sure if you all heard, but Breaking Dawn Part One is out in theaters. The Twilight series of movies is probably one of the most comical in recent years. They could do a Mystery Science Theater on them now, that’s how wonderfully bad they are. For those of you who haven’t seen the Twilight movies (or for those that need a refresher) we are going to do blog recaps of them this week. We don’t want you miss out on what is surely to be a gem of gems Breaking Dawn! Don’t worry, we will be reviewing that soon enough.
First up Twilight!
- Angsty teen, Bella is forced to move in with her dad, Charlie, in the tiny town of Forks when her mom follows her boyfriend and his baseball career. Score one for detached parents.
- Ugh Forks, you are nothing like sunny vibrant Phoenix. Bella will commence pouting.
- Bella is super popular at school because she is new, and people in small towns love “new” folks. But you know who doesn’t like her? Teenage vampire Edward Cullen.
- Enter the Cullen’s. Bella asks, “Who are they?” And is told that they are pretty much the coolest kids in school. It’s also noted that they keep to themselves. Oh, and they are all siblings but dating each other (don’t worry they’re adopted so it’s not weird, except that it’s totally weird). But one Cullen stands alone, without a sister/girlfriend and that is Edward.
- Good news: Edward can read people’s thoughts. This explains the condescending look he often has on his face (see above).
- Bad news: He can’t read Bella’s mind. What? No! Plus she smells like meals on wheels. He’s got to get away from her!
- Edward takes off for a while and Bella has to ponder the ultimate question(s), “Was it me?” Yes. “Why doesn’t he like me?” You smell like dinner. “But I have such shiny hair.” Vampires are deep and complex creatures Bella, stop making this all about you.
- Bella passes some time with her school chums and long-haired Lautner (aka Jacob Black), a friend of the family. The Black family hates the Cullen family, it’s been that way for centuries…something must be brewing.
- Edward comes back to school. He’s Bella’s lab partner. He’s being all cool like it was never weird. Plus his eyes are now a romantic butterscotch color.
- One day Bella is hanging out in the parking lot and Edward saves her life from a van skidding on ice. But he was across the parking lot. How did he get to her so quickly?
- At the hospital Bella confronts Edward and asks how he stopped a van from hitting her. He is not going to tell her his big bad secret, so there. Don’t test her Edward, Bella has a black-belt in pouting. This is only going to end poorly for you.
- To the internets! After a conversation with Jacob about how there are these Cold Ones Bella starts researching. This portion of the movie should have been sponsored by Bing, the leader of fake internet searches for teens in TV shows and movies.
- Bella has figured it out, Edward is a vampire. She confronts him, but he makes her say the word out loud: “vampire.” Don’t ever think vampires are not about power games. Then he tries to show off and show how destructive he can be but Bella is in teenage love and there is no stopping teenage love. Ripping a tree out of the ground is just sexy.
- So Edward has her meet his vampire family. The good news is they are Vamp-a-tarians (yes we made up that word) which means they do not eat humans only animals. The same as vegetarians who eat fish in the category of things that don’t make sense.
- Everything is going perfectly but then one day, during a vampire family baseball game, a wandering band of roving vampires stumbles upon the Cullen’s and Bella. They are not vamp-a-tarians. They are the killing kind. James, Victoria and Laurent. Their eyes are black and not a romantic butterscotch.
- Because all vampires have super sniffers they figure out Bella is human and James is intrigued by Edward’s need to protect her. And by intrigued we mean he will track her down and kill her because that’s how you spell fun after living forever and being evil and all.
- The whole Cullen clan bands together to protect Bella. Alice and Jasper take Bella to Phoenix where they think she will be safe.
- But you know who’s super smart? James. He’s like a velociraptor of the vampire world, cunning and luring people into traps.
- James tricks Bella into thinking he’s holding her mom hostage and makes her come to her old dance studio. This is where we hoped the movie was going to take a Center Stage twist, but no.
- The Cullen’s are on their way, thank goodness for super vampire speed, but James bites Bella on the wrist before they get there. This is not good because she will either die (vampire bites are totally poisonous) or have to be turned into a vampire.
- OR there is another solution. Someone could suck the venom. Now for every reason imaginable it should be Papa Cullen because he’s a doctor and he’s been on the vamp-a-tarian diet the longest, meaning he would be able to stop in time and not kill Bella. But he tells Edward to do it because blood sucking is all sexy town and that would be weird for Edward to watch his dad suck his girlfriend’s blood.
- While everyone else is killing and disposing of James, Edward sucks and…stops. Phew that was a close one.
- Bella wakes up in the hospital, everyone is worried but she just wants to make sure things are still good with her and Eddie. They’re not, but they are, or they will be. Teenagers are so confusing.
- They go to prom and it’s as romantic as his eyes. In the gazebo, where nobody else seems to be dancing, Bella tells Edward that she wants to be a vampire and he’s like, “Bitch please, you just wore Converse to our prom. I’m having a hard time committing to next week let alone forever.” Although he phrases it something like, I want you to experience your life not live in my cursed world. Blah Blah Blah.
- Cut to prom crasher, Victoria, looming at the prom pissed that they killed her vampire lover, James. She’s got a revenge card to cash in…