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And Seen…New Moon Recap!

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  • It’s Bella’s birthday and she is horrified because she just keeps getting older while Edward stays the same age.  Technically she is now 18 while he stopped “aging” at 17.
  • The gift Bella wants the most won’t fit in any box.  She wants to be a vampire.  Greedy much?
  • The Cullen’s throw a birthday party for Bella who’s too depressed about her ancient aging self to enjoy it. Cue more pouting.
  • While opening a gift she gets a paper cut which causes Jasper to try and kill her. He can control moods but he can’t control himself. Talk about awkward.

The best acting in the film is done by these guy's eyebrows in this scene.

  • The party does not end well.  Papa Cullen patches Bella up, which is the perfect time to include a speech about how Edward fears that vampires don’t have souls and doesn’t want to take Bella’s soul.  We were wondering when the religion train would arrive.
  • The damage has been done. Edward is now even more worried that he cannot be with Bella without someone in his family, or some of their other vampy friends/foes, killing her.  Being noble he does the best thing. He breaks up with her.
  • Edward takes Bella out into the middle of the woods and tells her, “So me and my family are outta here. And don’t bother trying to find us, we’re like the wind.” This would have been the perfect time for him to drop a smoke bomb and then disappear. C’mon Edward, you’re a vampire.  If you’re not going to bother wearing a cape at least use some theatrics. Instead he just turns around and leaves.

See you never, Bella.

  • To add insult to injury Edward removes any trace of the Cullen’s from Bella’s life, including all the gifts the family just gave her for her birthday. Really Edward?  Break-ups are hard enough, that just seems rude.
  • At this point Bella spends an uncomfortable amount of time being depressed, which is hard to decipher from the way she acts in her everyday life.
  • To avoid being shipped back to Phoenix, she starts hanging out with her friends, including Jacob.  He still has long hair and isn’t that attractive, but he’s totally into her so that’s kind of attractive.  It’s always nice to be liked, nay, loved.
  • Also, Bella is super edgy now and has nothing to lose.  She got all up in the faces of some dudes on motorcycles and she heard Edward telling her to stay away.  He appears as a floating head and it’s as majestic as you would think. That’s when she gets the awesome idea to start defying death so her disembodied Edward apparition will appear and tell her not to.

The special effects in these movies are mind-blowing.

  • Then Jacob starts being all distant and Bella is like, “Ugh, again.  What’s the deal with dudes in Forks?”
  • The good news is Jacob was just being distant because he was becoming a werewolf.  You know that old, he-was-just-acting-weird-because-he-was-turning-into-a-werewolf game.  He’s not allowed to tell Bella what has happened to him, she has to guess.  Charades, party of one.
  • Then things take a turn for the infinitely better! Because of the wolf-ness, Jacob cuts his hair. Finally, this love triangle they’ve been spinning is starting to make sense.
  • The next chunk of the movie can be summed up with this clip:
  • Now we know the Blacks hate the Cullen’s because werewolves hate vampires and vice versa.  It’s a universal truth ya’ll, not just what you see on The Vampire Diaries.
  • Bad news, the reason Jacob and the rest of his friends/pack were turned into werewolves is because there is a bad vampire in the vicinity.  That would be Victoria.  She’s got an itchy fang for Bella.
  • Things get really fun when, through a crazy series of miscommunications, Edward thinks Bella has died.  So he decides to do the only logical thing and kill himself.  But vampires cannot kill themselves, so he heads to Italy to have the Volturi (old school vampires who keep things running in their vamp-world) kill him.
  • Edward has a brilliant plan to expose his vampire skin in the middle of hundreds of people.  Because in sunlight vampires apparently look like they are covered in diamonds.  Sparkly and glorious.  However, in the movie it looks more like they are a little sweaty and need a towel.

Ladies, form a line. Single file please. Those that like scrawny on the left, those that like pasty on the right.

  • If Edward exposes his sparkle skin to the masses, they will somehow know that he must be a vampire or at the very least not human (or perhaps they’ll simply think he just ran a marathon).  This would reveal the secrecy of vampires and for that the Volturi would kill him. Edward, you are a genius at strategy. You should go into financial planning.
  • Meanwhile, Alice headed to Forks to see what really happened to Bella and finds out she’s still alive. What?! The Cullen’s don’t carry cell phones, nor would Edward answer while he’s plotting his death, so Alice and Bella have to go all the way to Italy.
  • They catch Edward just in the nick of time.  Phew.  But the Volturi would still like to chat with them.
  • This group of creepy creepersons all have vamp superpowers.  They’d love to get Edward and Alice on their side with their powers.  But today is more about Bella.

This is the year. I know I've said it for the past century, but this is the year robes and ascots come back in style.

  • Here’s the problem: A human, Bella, knows that they exist, so they have two options: to kill her or to turn her into a vampire. OR?  Nope those are the only options.
  • Alice has a vision of the future where Bella is a vampire.  So, they let the Cullen’s and Bella go on the promise that they will make Bella a bloodsucker.
  • Finally Bella is going to get her birthday wish!  Oh, but wait.  Jacob reminds Edward that part of the treaty the wolves and Cullen’s have (which is why they don’t kill each other) is based on none of the Cullen’s biting a human. Hmm, this is a pickle.
  • Then Edward takes it a step further.  Bella can be a vampire as soon as she is his wife.  And in this case forever really is 4-eva.
  • Oh, in case you forgot about this plot point with all the other random stuff going on, Victoria is still on the loose…

And Seen…New Moon!


2 responses »

  1. Hysterical! That was so much better than wading through the book!
    Only the high points – thanks for that.

  2. Pingback: And Seen…Twilight Saga recaps! « And Seen…with Julie and Traci

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