Guide to 2014 (TV) Holiday Movies Part 1

Hallmark Channel has been busy creating holiday gems. They started early this year, their first premiere was on November 8th, which can only mean they’ve been getting our fan mail. We’ve got a little Lifetime as well.  Here’s what we’ve been watching…

One Starry Christmas

Watch the trailer: here

Santa: No
Holiday Romance: Yes
Christmas Proposal: Yes (and a Christmas decline)
Heartwarming Moments: Tried yes, achieved no
Valuable Lessons Learned: No

Good to watch: If you want burn off holiday cookies with line dancing.
Rating: 2 out of 5 candy canes

The Gist: Holly (Sara Carter) is an astronomer dating a lawyer, Adam (Paul Popowich), with a big job interview. So big he has to leave her alone for Christmas, but it will all be worth it once he get’s that six-figure salary (or minimum wage in NYC). Holly is too scared to fly to go with him, but she’s not too scared to take a bus from Chicago to New York (that is brave). On her journey she meets a cowboy, Luke (Damon Runyan), and when the bus breaks down he saves the day by renting a car (though a horse to NY would have been preferable). Holly takes him home to meet her family. Obviously Holly starts to fall for the cowboy because she studies stars and he sleeps under them. Adam is there the whole time and good news, he gets the job but he loses Holly.

The good the bad and the cameos:

• It appears that they didn’t have the budget to film in New York so they spend a lot of time walking around Canada pretending they are in the big city. This movie really could have benefited from some of the product placement the other movies had.
•  They invite Luke’s brother over for supper and he serenades them. This makes for the most uncomfortable dinner scene. When your having a meal and someone asks if you have a guitar you say no.
• Luke wins over Adam’s new boss (awkward) and everyone else when he introduces some line dancing at their holiday party.

Generally when you’re ice skating in Central Park you’re surrounded by buildings, but not in Canada’s New York.

Maybe avoid cowboys at meal times.

We interrupt your holiday party for some electric slide. Hold onto your hats fake New York.

 The Nine Lives of Christmas

Watch the trailer: here

Santa: No
Holiday Romance: Yes
Christmas Proposal: No
Heartwarming Moments: No
Valuable Lessons Learned: No

Good to watch: If you are thinking of adopting a pet for the holidays
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 candy canes

The Gist: Zachary (Brandon Routh – yes THAT one) is a sexy fireman that women throw themselves at. He’s dating a model, but he’s wary of commitment. Meanwhile, Marilee (Kimberly Sustad) is going to school and working – she doesn’t have time for a relationship. She just doesn’t so stop asking her about it. Her cat is fulfillment enough. Zachary is reverse adopted by Ambrose, a neighborhood cat. Thank goodness because he’s about to start running into Marilee in a series of random encounters and since she’s in veterinarian school she can help answer questions about Ambrose. They run into each other at the supermarket, a restaurant, when Zach’s model girlfriend gets Marilee fired for being sassy to her, then they don’t see each other for awhile, but post make-over Marilee finds Ambrose and returns him, then she gets kicked out of her apartment for having a cat and moves in with Zachary where they and their cats become best friends…and more!

The good the bad and the cameos:

• They really dial up the bachelor and single lady stereotypes. The movie starts with Zach shooting a fireman calender and getting hit on by the photographer, whereas the first time he runs into Marilee she’s buying a bucket of ice cream and heading home to her cat.
• This movie is where we first start to see the blatant product placement Hallmark has rolled out this year.
• The cats, particularly Ambrose, were surprisingly delightful. It was far more satisfying when they ended up together.

Hey guys, remember when I played Superman? I can’t say this is exactly where I saw my career heading…

She really is THIS single. Nailing it Hallmark.

The best part of waking up…is product placement in your cabinet

The best actor by far. Look at those expressive eyes.

Spoiler: happy cat love ending

Oh yeah. They get a happy ending too.

Northpole

Watch the trailer: here

Santa: Yes
Holiday Romance: Lil’ bit
Christmas Proposal: No
Heartwarming Moments: Yes
Valuable Lessons Learned: Of course

Good to watch: If you are having SbtB withdrawals and need your Thiessen fix
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 candy canes

 The Gist: As the title suggests this movie is about the Northpole which is losing its power since it’s fueled by happiness from people around the world. But as people have gotten busier they’ve lost their joy and holiday spirit. Luckily, there’s an elf with a plan; Clementine (Bailee Madison) befriends a lonely boy, Kevin (Max Charles) who has moved with his mom (Tiffany Thiessen) to a new town and hasn’t made any friends yet. Clementine and Kevin start working on getting people into the holiday spirit, but when they find out the Christmas tree lighting has been canceled things seem bleak.  They get help from Kevin’s teacher, Ryan (Josh Hopkins)  — cue romantic subplot with Chelsea. Yet, when facts-first Chelsea is willing to believe Kevin, that Clementine really is an elf trying to save the Northpole, that my friends is the holiday spirit. They get the town together, light the tree, sing and save the Northpole! Though it must still be in peril since they announced Northpole 2 is already set to come out in 2015  – starring Lauri Loughlin this time around (no word yet on any cameos from Uncle Jesse).

The good the bad and the cameos:

• Since Chelsea is a reporter she goes into investigation mode to solve the cancellation of the tree lighting ceremony mystery. Turns out to all be one big misunderstanding, good thing she uncovered the scoop.
• We don’t spend a ton of time at the Northpole, but when we do Santa seems pretty whatevs about the fact that they’re losing their power. Maybe this was his grand escape plan from the Mrs.?
• For whatever reason we keep seeing this one lady, Josephine, who’s always singing. A google search revealed she was from Season 12 of American Idol, now it’s clear why we didn’t recognize her.
• The best product placement of all the movies. Baskin Robins is perfect with a snow theme.
• During every commercial break Max Charles’ (who plays Kevin) little face greets you and tells you how you can get Northpole on DVD.

Chelsea likes to get all Homeland about her work.

Winner of the 12th season of AI, you know the one no one watched because of Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carrey.

Mrs. Claus has had some work done. Santa seems more worried about that than the Northpole

That snowman ice cream cake looks delicious.

We don’t have the heart to tell him no one buys DVD’s anymore.

A Royal Christmas

Watch the trailer: here

Santa: No
Holiday Romance: Yes
Christmas Proposal: Yes!
Heartwarming Moments: Yes
Valuable Lessons Learned: No

Good to watch: If you need a royal fix post Will and Kate’s American tour
Rating: 4 out of 5 candy canes

The Gist: A poor seamstress falls in love with a guy who is secretly a prince. He hid his identity so he could travel to America without his bodyguards. Prince Leopold (Stephen Hagan) or Leo as he is known in the America’s must confess his princely secret to Emily (Lacey Chabert) because he’s been called back to Cordinia for Christmas. So he brings Emily with him and introduces her to his mom Queen Isadora (Jane Seymour) who is not to pleased to have a poor commoner hanging around with her noble son. Queen Isadora gets Leo’s ex, Natasha (Katherine Flynn) to start hanging around so he can remember the type of lady he should be with.  It all comes down to a ball (as it should) and when Leo proposes Emily has to say no. She puts his country and duty ahead of their love. Could the Queen have been wrong, and judged her too harshly? A trip back to the America’s to get the girl!

The good the bad and the cameos:

• Poor Emily, she wants so badly to make a good impression. What she lacks in a royal blood line she makes up for in heart: she befriends the staff, helps orphans, doesn’t slap the Queen when she says really bitchy things to her…a saint really.
• When the Queen gives Emily a hideous dress to wear to the ball Emily transforms it a la Pretty in Pink (or What a Girl Wants for a more current reference). And because she doesn’t know how to act at the ball Emily enlists the help of Victor (Simon Dutton) the Queen’s right hand man a la Pretty Woman to help her learn proper ball etiquette.
• Jane Seymour is born for these kinds of roles, somehow the more insulting she is the more likeable she becomes. She should guest on Downton.
• Double product placement within the first five minutes of the movie. Someone had to pay for that castle location.

When meeting the queen perhaps a sequin beret is not the best choice. Sparkle does not a tiara make.

Before and After: Let’s all agree she did a way better job than Ringwald’s creation.

Can we talk about the size of this bun? It’s the size of a dinner plate, how does she not fall over backwards?

Have some Folgers. Walmart in a bag.

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

Watch the trailer: here

Santa: supernatural force that helps, but unspecified
Holiday Romance: minor sub-plot
Christmas Proposal: No
Heartwarming Moments: No
Valuable Lessons Learned: No

Good to watch: If you want to feel bad about yourself
Rating: 1.5 out of 5 candy canes

The Gist: Grumpy cat (voiced by Aubrey Plaza) lives in a pet store since her grumpy personality keeps her from being adopted. When a 12-year old girl, Chrystal (Megan Charpentier) makes a wish for a friend she finds she can understand what Grumpy is saying. They work together to thwart the thieves who are trying to steal an exotic dog (the sale of which will save the pet store) and Grumpy remains as the name would suggest the entire time. Despite Grumpy’s protest a forever friendship is formed.

This movie is painfully self aware. They realized how silly it was to base a movie on a youtube cat, so it seems they thought if they could beat us to the punch and insult this movie before we could they’d win. But here’s the thing, if you keep insulting people for watching your movie, and telling them how stupid they are for engaging with it, it doesn’t make them want to watch, no matter how “clever” you think you’re being. Grumpy is an exact replica of Aubrey’s character April on Parks and Rec, so if you love that “I hate everything so I’m just going to mock the world” type thing you might enjoy this as well.

This about sums it up.

 

The Santa Con

Network:Lifetime

Santa: No
Holiday Romance: No
Christmas Proposal: No
Heartwarming Moments: Yes
Valuable Lessons Learned: Yes

Good to watch: If you want to remember the good times of TGIF
Rating: 3 out of 5 candy canes

 How this movie is not getting better billing is mind blowing with it’s stars of days past cast: Barry Watson (7th Heaven needs any positive press), Melissa Joan Hart (who also directs), Jaleel White, Scott Grimes, John Ratzenberger and Wendy Williams.

The Gist: Con-man Nick (Watson) has just been released from prison and is staying with his sister, Rose (Hart) who is skeptical and waiting for him to screw up again. She gets him a job as Santa (who wouldn’t hire an ex-con to be around kids) and as he’s counting down the moments until his Santa shift ends he absentmindedly promises a kid he’ll get the kids parents back together. Rose is pissed he would get a kids hopes up like that, has Nick screwed up so soon? After some soul-searching and a chat with Pastor Ruth (Williams) Nick decides he will fix it and get the parents back together. After all he is a con-man, manipulating people into doing things they don’t want to do is his thing. But he ends up conning himself into being a better person and learning to put other people first.

Also, every movie should end with Wendy Williams winking.

And…scene!